Guess who has never been rejected before?
Absolutely no one.
Julia Child’s Mastering the Art of French Cooking was rejected by Houghton Mifflin publishing. Oprah got fired from her job as a local Baltimore news anchor. Stephen King’s first novel, Carrie, was rejected by 30 publishers before it finally found a home.
But when you’re reaching for something big at work, like a raise, promotion, department change, or major project, sometimes it can feel like a make-or-break situation. And that can lead to serious jitters. Or worse—never going for it at all.
Here are some tips to help you get over the fear of rejection so you can reach out for what you really want.
Enter the Negotiation Prepared
Perhaps the single most important thing you can do is to enter your meeting well-prepared. It’s not enough to walk into your boss’ office and ask for what you want. You’ll have to defend your request, which means you should have a clear argument for why you deserve it.
If you’re asking for a raise, you should be armed with industry salary data that supports your request, as well as any recent successful projects or initiatives that you worked on. If you’re asking for a promotion, bring any examples of times you went above and beyond your current role or ways you’re already demonstrating leadership. If you’re interested in a departmental change, explain how your current expertise and skills will be an asset to the new role.
When you can back up your request with a strong argument, you both increase the chances of getting what you want and bolster your confidence.
Consider What Happens if You Get Rejected
If the nerves are getting the better of you, ask yourself: “What happens if you get rejected?”
While it’s not going to feel good, the tangible consequences are likely to be insignificant. People don’t get fired or demoted for asking for a raise or a promotion. The worst-case scenario is that you don’t get what you want and find yourself in the same position you were in before. That’s not so scary, is it?
Whether your request is approved or denied, you’ll have your answer and you can decide your next move—to stay in the same role or look elsewhere for a position that will move your career forward.
Don’t Start Making Plans Until You Know the Outcome
When asking for a raise or promotion, it’s easy to start building castles in the sky of all the things you’ll do after you get what you want. Planning a bathroom renovation with your new salary or dreaming of your fancy new office before it’s yours just sets you up for more disappointment if you don’t get it.
Now you’re not just missing out on the raise, but on all the lovely things you’d planned to spend your extra income on. This just makes the rejection harder. Keep your focus on presenting your argument, and don’t start making plans until you know if you’ve been successful.
Write a Pros and Cons List
According to studies by a team at the Yale School of Management, we take the anticipation of rejection down a peg by creating ambivalence. This means that instead of only focusing on the benefits of getting what we want, we should also focus on the drawbacks.
Write a pros and cons list for the outcome you desire. Maybe that promotion will come with a higher salary, more perks, and more interesting projects. But it will also mean longer hours and more administrative work, which you don’t particularly enjoy. By focusing on both the good and bad, you create some ambivalence around what you want. And this can make you more likely to take the steps toward getting it, since you’re less afraid of a negative outcome.
Give Yourself a Pep Talk
There’s power in the pep talk.
One study showed that self-talk in the third person can help to regulate emotions. So give yourself a boost by talking yourself up as if you were talking about a good friend or someone you respect.
“Jane has got this. She’s highly competent and ready for this promotion. Jane always hits her goals and she’s an asset to this company…”
The idea is that by creating some distance between yourself and your emotions, you can regulate stress and nerves. Give it a try before you head into your meeting.